Well, it’s been a little while since I posted… I really wanted to blog, but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually sit down and DO it. So here I am.
On an IVF front…
I had the ‘WTF Appointment’ (as it’s not-so-affectionately known as) with my fertility specialist a few weeks ago. She was really disappointed with the outcome of my last cycle and how I responded to the meds. She said that she’d likely up my dose of FSH next time and see how we go.
I opened up a little to her about how much the first failed IVF cycle had gotten to me… and she was really lovely and supportive, and she was kind of shocked about how down I was about the whole thing… but surely it couldn’t of come as THAT much of a shock… she deals with this everyday?
So anyway… I asked her to be 100% honest with me about my next cycle. Between cycle one and cycle two, I gained about 15kg that I had WORKED HARD on losing… and I was worried about juggling health, weight-loss, IVF…. and she was honest with me. And I guess it was scary. She talked about risks of miscarriage – she said that the last thing that she’d want to happen is for us to fall pregnant and then lose it…it would be devastating.
SO… we decided to NOT do another cycle in December, and she asked for us to come back in February to re-assess.
I need to work REALLY hard from now to February… I want to give this the best shot possible.
It’s hard. It’s so freaking hard. I feel so in-limbo.
So I weighed in at the Fertility specialist’s office at over 136kg. Fuckety, fuck.
I am now less, 133-ish? I have been waking up 5:30am every morning and walking with hubby and the dogs, it was really hard at first, but its getting easier. The hardest thing that I am dealing with at the moment is taking control of my eating.
I can’t seem to control it. I have no fill in my band… so I know the FIRST step should be to get off my ass and get a fill. I am always caught up in this stupid game in my head where I feel like I can do this on my own… that I don’t need the band… I want to be under ‘x’ weight before I go back to get a fill.
It’s fucked up, I know… I have never been successful in losing weight and keeping it off before…. I went through weight loss surgery to help me lose the weight.. and I cant even seem to do that right.
I dont know.
I dont fucking know.
anywhoo. will check in soon.