so what now?

Well, it’s been a little while since I posted… I really wanted to blog, but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually sit down and DO it. So here I am.

On an IVF front…

I had the ‘WTF Appointment’ (as it’s not-so-affectionately known as) with my fertility specialist a few weeks ago. She was really disappointed with the outcome of my last cycle and how I responded to the meds. She said that she’d likely up my dose of FSH next time and see how we go.

I opened up a little to her about how much the first failed IVF cycle had gotten to me… and she was really lovely and supportive, and she was kind of shocked about how down I was about the whole thing… but surely it couldn’t of come as THAT much of a shock… she deals with this everyday?

So anyway… I asked her to be 100% honest with me about my next cycle. Between cycle one and cycle two, I gained about 15kg that I had WORKED HARD on losing… and I was worried about juggling health, weight-loss, IVF…. and she was honest with me. And I guess it was scary. She talked about risks of miscarriage – she said that the last thing that she’d want to happen is for us to fall pregnant and then lose it…it would be devastating.

SO… we decided to NOT do another cycle in December, and she asked for us to come back in February to re-assess.

I need to work REALLY hard from now to February… I want to give this the best shot possible.

It’s hard. It’s so freaking hard. I feel so in-limbo.

WEIGHT…

So I weighed in at the Fertility specialist’s office at over 136kg. Fuckety, fuck.

I am now less, 133-ish? I have been waking up 5:30am every morning and walking with hubby and the dogs, it was really hard at first, but its getting easier. The hardest thing that I am dealing with at the moment is taking control of my eating.

I can’t seem to control it. I have no fill in my band… so I know the FIRST step should be to get off my ass and get a fill. I am always caught up in this stupid game in my head where I feel like I can do this on my own… that I don’t need the band… I want to be under ‘x’ weight before I go back to get a fill.

It’s fucked up, I know… I have never been successful in losing weight and keeping it off before…. I went through weight loss surgery to help me lose the weight.. and I cant even seem to do that right.

I dont know.

I dont fucking know.

anywhoo. will check in soon.

L x

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3 Responses to so what now?

  1. Emma says:

    Go get a fill! Presumably you got the band in the first place because you can’t do it alone. It’s not a failure to get fill in – it’s smart! Use your band for what it’s intended! I’m so sorry that the IVF didn’t work out last time, but you’ve got a couple good months ahead of you – YOU CAN DO IT! If you can get up at 5.30am you can do anything in my opinion!

    Chin up and do this!

    Em 🙂

  2. Nic says:

    Hi
    I just wanted to pop in and see how you were doing. My FS wants me to lose weight as well (I piled on heaps about 2 years ago) I am about 112 at present (have gained a few with the past few cycles). I am going to get back to walking and have decided to try lite & easy in the New Year. I hope you and your DH have a nice Christmas and I am sure I will speak to you before your next cycle in Feb, although I am in the tww at present I just may be cycling with you in Feb.
    Take care
    Nic

  3. Bec says:

    Hi L,

    I had a lap band put in, in April 2009 then had a complication and another op in october 09, with Dr Bessell. I was doing well until the middle of this year. I have stayed at the same weight since july. I go up 5 kg then lose it then up and lose it. I should go back to see Dr P to get a fill but am frightened that she may feel I have let her down and my self down. I too have also struggled with losing weight and keeping it off. It is such a mind thing. When I read what you had written I felt like there was someone else out their like me and it made me feel a little better. So I am writing this to you so you know that you are not the only one who is struggling and hoping that you will feel a little better.

    We need not to be so hard on ourselves.

    I wish you all the best
    Bec

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