so what now?

Well, it’s been a little while since I posted… I really wanted to blog, but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually sit down and DO it. So here I am.

On an IVF front…

I had the ‘WTF Appointment’ (as it’s not-so-affectionately known as) with my fertility specialist a few weeks ago. She was really disappointed with the outcome of my last cycle and how I responded to the meds. She said that she’d likely up my dose of FSH next time and see how we go.

I opened up a little to her about how much the first failed IVF cycle had gotten to me… and she was really lovely and supportive, and she was kind of shocked about how down I was about the whole thing… but surely it couldn’t of come as THAT much of a shock… she deals with this everyday?

So anyway… I asked her to be 100% honest with me about my next cycle. Between cycle one and cycle two, I gained about 15kg that I had WORKED HARD on losing… and I was worried about juggling health, weight-loss, IVF…. and she was honest with me. And I guess it was scary. She talked about risks of miscarriage – she said that the last thing that she’d want to happen is for us to fall pregnant and then lose it…it would be devastating.

SO… we decided to NOT do another cycle in December, and she asked for us to come back in February to re-assess.

I need to work REALLY hard from now to February… I want to give this the best shot possible.

It’s hard. It’s so freaking hard. I feel so in-limbo.

WEIGHT…

So I weighed in at the Fertility specialist’s office at over 136kg. Fuckety, fuck.

I am now less, 133-ish? I have been waking up 5:30am every morning and walking with hubby and the dogs, it was really hard at first, but its getting easier. The hardest thing that I am dealing with at the moment is taking control of my eating.

I can’t seem to control it. I have no fill in my band… so I know the FIRST step should be to get off my ass and get a fill. I am always caught up in this stupid game in my head where I feel like I can do this on my own… that I don’t need the band… I want to be under ‘x’ weight before I go back to get a fill.

It’s fucked up, I know… I have never been successful in losing weight and keeping it off before…. I went through weight loss surgery to help me lose the weight.. and I cant even seem to do that right.

I dont know.

I dont fucking know.

anywhoo. will check in soon.

L x

AF Hell…

Well AF arrived – I had some spotting 11dp3dt – and AF with an ABSOLUTE vengeance at 12dp3dt.

I thought that I had my shit together – and I thought that I was prepared for a BFN (Big. Fat. Negative) – but truth is, I don’t think that I ever could be. Ever. Every month when AF comes – regardless of whether it was an IVF month or not – it’ll be a good kick in the ovaries. A depressing, painful reminder that my family is infertile.

I am feeling really down about it.

I am not sure what’s going to happen now. Hubby and I had a chat on the weekend about whether to go ahead with this December cycle option – I think we will give it a go… but if it doesn’t work – a LONG break is in order I think! We’re even talking about the possibility of going overseas for a year or so to get away from IVF, and family, and friends with their pregnancy announcements… just time for me and him… to enjoy life together for a while – because, at this stage – I really struggle to see the point to life in general – working hard – a couple of mortgages – stressing about making sure we create a stable future and ‘settle down’ – and for what?! Really – for what??

Besides… the cost of IVF alone will send us into a crazy spiral that will see us not being able to afford to raise a child. woo.

Well, I don’t really want to write any further because I am feeling really down, but I thought that I ought to announce my non-pregnancy here.

I hope I wake up and see the bright side soon.

L x

9dp3dt cramp-a-licious!

Hey All…

Well I have made it (sane… only just…) to 9dp3dt… I have been having some HORRIBLE, STRONG, PAINFUL cramps since 7dp3dt… the kind that I get on the first day of AF arriving… no.. worse… if that’s even possible! Just crazy, doubled-over pain. Last night, I remember dreaming I had really bad cramps and I woke up – and realised they were that bad that they’d woken me up. I HAD to have something for the pain – hubby got me a couple of panadol that tied me over for a while. Jeepers!

I really think this cycle has not worked.. I have tried so hard to BELIEVE that it has – but as everyday passes.. I am absolutely convinced that AF is around the corner. BOO.

I read on lots of forums that lots of people got BFP’s after heavy cramping 7 days post – particularly a 3 day transfer… but… I did POAS this morning – and the control line was as dark and lonely as ever. Definitely a BFN… not even a HINT of a second line. BOO again. I know it’s probably to early to test – but I really think this one’s over for me…

Next steps… I have an appointment with Dr Videon @ Repromed on the 13th or 15th? Can’t remember – but in November – to discuss this cycle, change of protocol perhaps…. I am not sure… but Hubby and I think that we might go back-to-back and do another cycle in December… not because we’re ready — but because it’s about $2000 out of pocket cheaper for a subsequent cycle in a calendar year… and we wont have to pay our $500 hospital excess again… we’ll see.. will be hard to juggle work/christmas etc on hormonal rollercoaster – but we’ll see!

LAPBAND UPDATE – had to have all my fluid removed for my egg retrieval because it’s done under sedation… so I have no fluid in my band at all – however, i do have some restriction because of all the bloating & fluid retention that I have.

My Lapband Dr told me that she’s never come across anyone that had successfully juggled lapband and IVF – she said that I need to think about concentrating on either one or the other – but jeepers… makes me feel like a COMPLETE failure on both accounts… can’t fall pregnant… can’t lose weight…

Thanks for all of your lovely comments 🙂

L x

bean on board 2dp3dt

So I had my embryo transfer on Monday afternoon… I have been doing accupuncture with this cycle – so I had an appointment with my accupuncturist both before and after my transfer. The one before really helped me calm down – I was feeling so worked up in the morning.

At work – my manager came and had a chat with me – she’s amazing.. she really is – she asked me to take a week or two off to give this little embie the best chance possible. So I am at home, on my couch – watching TV 🙂

The embryologist and Dr who did my transfer were both lovely – much better, and more informative than last time

Unfortunately – my embryo was a bit delayed in it’s development – by day 2, it should be 4-cells, and day three, 8-cells… but my little bean was still 4-cells on day 3. When I heard that, my heart really sunk – but I can’t give up home entirely… it’s not impossible…

Of course being the douche I am – I was googling all afternoon 3 day 4 cell embryo.. and read things like “highly unlikely to result in pregnancy” and “developmentally delayed embryo” which wasn’t helpful!

My IVF protocol changed slightly this time around- rather that using Crinone pessaries daily – I now have to just have 2 injections of Pregnyl which is HcG… one I had on Tuesday – and one on Friday. Of course, because Pregnyl is HcG – when you take a pregnancy test – it shows positive!

So… I know I can never hold out for the blood test to know – so I have decided to test daily – so I can see the positive line on the pregnancy test from Pregnyl fade off.. and… HOPEFULLY… climb back up again. I really hope it climbs back up again.

Just an update anyway

L

not sure what to call this post…

Well, I named this post about 3 times – but they all sounded quite down – and I didn’t want it to be…

I went in for my egg retrieval on Friday morning. I was feeling really positive – I knew that I had 6+ nice large follies (I thought I had 8+ actually). Anyway… all went swimmingly. I woke up – my clinic writes the # of eggs on the palm of your hand so you can see when you wake up – I didn’t have a number, and the lady who had woken up next to me reassured me that she didn’t have a number on her palm either.

Within a few minutes, the nurse came and told me that they collected only 3 eggs.

Instantly, I started bawling my eyes out – I asked her to clarify for me whether they couldn’t find any more eggs, or whether they were immature… She advised that the notes said that the FS aspirated 6 follies – but only 3 contained eggs. She also said there was a note stating that next time I went in I might need to have 2 doses of the trigger injection, Ovidrel. I don’t know how that makes a difference… but anyway.

3 eggs is a really low number – and with the average fertilisation rate being 60-70%, my chances weren’t looking good.

I cried most of the day – when I wasn’t sleeping anyway.

I actually got woken up a few hours after I got home by a phone call from my FS… I don’t normally hear from her whilst doing a cycle… but I heard from her a couple of times this time around… I don’t know whether she’s genuinely ‘caring’ this time around – or whether they changed their policy. She was quite upset hearing I only got three eggs – she said she was really disappointed, and said we’d have to review my protocol again. Normally round 1 is your test round – but I have significantly different results from round one to this round.

Was super anxious to receive the phone call from the embryologists on Saturday morning to find out my fertilisation results. It came mid-morning – so grateful I didn’t have to wait ALL day.

Results were as I expected, but none-the-less disappointing. Again, I cried. All three eggs were suitable for injecting – and they injected all three… but only one fertilised. I was told that rather than waiting for Tuesday for my embryo transfer – I’d need to come in on Monday afternoon for the transfer.

I am so nervous… I really don’t hold a lot of hope at the moment. I know that there’s a natural ‘drop-off’ rate for embryos… and I am really, really scared of getting a phone call tomorrow morning to say “Oh, sorry – don’t come in – it didn’t develop past Saturday”

Such a mixed bag of emotions. I have tried so hard to be more ’emotionally detached’ this time around – and not to expect anything. I guess in some respects, unlike last time, I know that there’s a good chance this WONT work…. but it doesn’t seem to make it any easier.

I really feel quite attached to this little embryo… it’s my only one… it’s my only chance… I just hope it’s a little fighter, and that come July, I can hold it in my arms and all my hurt will be gone…

I feel like I owe it to this little ball of cells to have faith in it and give it a chance… but it’s so hard.

L x

a quick update

just thought i’d poke my head in here to give y’all a quick update.

i am almost done with this IVF cycle… I had my last dose of Puregon (FSH) and my last dose of Orgalutran last night – about half and hour or so ago, I had my trigger (Ovidrel) injection – all ready for my 8:50am egg pick up on Friday morning.

OMG… I feel sooo tender… my poor ovaries are the size of grapefruits I am sure!

From what my ultrasound lady said – I should expect about 8 eggs again – like last time… but hopefully this time it all works!

Sigh.

I am trying not to get too emotionally involved/ excited – soooo hard not to! But fingers crossed… this is the one…

L xx

So the wait begins… (or is it the WEIGHT?) ;)

I feel like I am in a good spot right now. I was just discussing this with hubby the other night – I feel like I am more ‘in control’ than I have been in a long time… I feel happy at the moment. BUT… I really don’t know if it’s the chicken – or the egg….

Does that make sense?

I feel like I am doing *better* weight/food/exercise wise – and that maybe I should put of IVF for another month so that I can get myself that little bit healthier, that little bit fitter… before I go through another IVF cycle… HOWEVER… I feel like this *now* – but, I don’t know if I feel like this now because I am so elated at the thought of potentially being pregnant in a few weeks… I have a gut feeling, that it’s because this ‘date’ is looming – and i *know* it’s happening that I feel so great right now. I have a gut feeling that if I out it off – I would very quickly de-rail…

Questions, questions…

Anyway… Hubby picked me up from work last night, and in the front seat was that little green cooler bag full of IVF meds that he’d picked up earlier in the day. It really sunk in then… seeing that bag…

I have made a dentist appointment today… I am PETRIFIED of dentists.. HATE HATE HATE dentists… but I KNOW I need some work done, so am going to try and sneak in as much as possible before any embryo transfer… I read yesterday that being pregnant makes teeth and gums go crazy – and apparently dental work is very, very limited during pregnancy – so I want to be totally prepared… well, as prepared as possible..

I just am waiting for, the usually dreaded, AF now… jabs start day 2…

waiting… waiting….

IVF round 2…

Ok – where to start? How about an update on the last post? Ha! 12WBT was an epic fail… but that shouldn’t surprise me… I have literally NO self discipline.

At the moment I weigh 132.3kg – not much less than my surgery day! In fact, this time last year I weighed a whole 10kg less. Sometimes I wonder whether I am one of the people that has failed with the lapband – that person who I was scared of being before having the surgery…

I really feel that this whole ‘I must be a mother NOW’ thing has been the key to my weight loss being so UNsuccessful. It consumes my life in the most unhealthiest of ways… both physically and emotionally. I have read in so many books and articles that infertility really puts you in this ‘in-limbo state of grief’ – and I totally – TOTALLY get that. It controls my life… I feel like I can do nothing, plan nothing because I don’t know what the outcome of next month will be.

So many times I have been brave enough to turn around and make the decision that “Ok, I am now going to focus on ME, and being healthy – and I will not go through another IVF cycle until I reach XX weight…” – but it REALLY does not work like that! Not at all – because it only takes one teeny-tiny thing to send me over the edge… this time around – it was father’s day. Then it would be my friends son’s first birthday… then it would be Christmas… then it would be my birthday… and then the ad-hoc ones – like a friend or relative announcing their “surprise pregnancy”

There’s always so many things things that throw me over the edge – and I undo all the hard work and effort that I have out into my weight loss journey. I can’t find that healthy balance – and I don’t know if I will ever get there. My life is totally mapped by “Next year – we’ll have a baby to bring to xx” – and then of course, yet another ‘xx’ comes around – and there is still no baby. and then on the total flipside – the other thing that controls my life maps my life too… “By xx next year, I will be fit, healthy!” – and xx comes around… and I am 10kg heavier.

sigh.

I am going through a second round of IVF at the end of this month – just waiting for AF to come – so that hubby can start giving me my jabs. Bring on those needles i say! and the scans, and the bloods and the mood-swings… ugh.

Reading over this. I think I need a shrink – not another IVF cycle 😉

L x

12WBT – Official Weigh in Day

So today is the official weigh in day for the 12WBT… very clever I say, getting people to weigh in when the 12WBT starts – and then 3 days later – I guess it’s a bit of a motivational? So from here-on-in, weigh in day is Wednesday (for the life of this 12WBT) and I am *trying* not to get on the scales mid-week.

I know that Dr B and his crew aren’t fans of ‘calorie counting’ but – if this is the only way I am going to be able to regain some control – and get my head in a good space, then why wouldn’t I? So far, I have found it really helpful to be able to write down everything I eat… it’s good to go back and reflect on. And, secondly, I am shocked about how much food that I DONT need… for a while there, umm a LONG while – I was eating ALL day… seriously… a few coffees a day, and eating ALL DAY… just crap. And now that I have pretty much gone back to the 3 meals-a-day – I don’t feel hungry between meals – but it’s messing with my head!

SO… I don’t sit here claiming to be completely reformed, but it’s definitely lots of steps in the right direction – so I am in a happy place for now.

Lots on my plate other than weight though. We just put an offer in on another house – a little cottage in the Adelaide Hills – a place called Bridgewater. We hear back at some point today as to whether our offer was accepted – then it’s jumping through hoops for finance.

We’ve decided to get a small place that’s ‘affordable’ (though is anything REALLY affordable nowadays?!) so that when we go through IVF – and hopefully, have a baby – the financial stress doesn’t kill us.

It’s also a do-er-up-er-er. Needs work. Inside… well, technically you could just move in – if you don’t mind cat-pee carpets and canary yellow – no- canary yellow under UV lamp walls. I’s want to rip up the carpets ***please be beautiful polished jarrah floor under cat-piss carpets PLEASE*** we’d also want to re-do bathroom, paint, kitchen – so I am feeling that this may the ‘project’ that Troy and I need to take on to keep ourselves busy.

Of course, we could get a call this afternoon telling us that, “Sorry, the vendors have accepted another offer” – and well.. that’s that.

SO… weigh in today

START WEIGHT 21/06/10 – 133.3kg

TODAYS WEIGHT 23/06/10 – 131.7kg

LOSS SO FAR – 1.6kg

Not too bad for 2 days hard work.

I re-joined the gym. I went to the gym yesterday morning – but I felt like it was the first time I had ever walked into a gym. Weird, might take me a while to get back in the swing of things. I just tread-milled for a bit.

Yesterday’s calories were 1035.

Anywhoo.

12WBT day 1 – done, dusted

Quick post before I go to bed – soooo tired.

Start weight 133.3kg

Today’s Calories in: 806

Today’s excersize: 2km walk. I know it’s not what was on my excersize plan for today – but I got off my ass and walked ok? That’s a few steps in the RIGHT direction.

Still getting some killer reflux after I eat. Can’t work it out – endoscopy this weekend…

I have found a new love… green peas, partially ‘mushed’ with lemon juice and ricotta… omg!

Post more tomorrow.