Yes, I am alive…

I am still alive!

I am working my ass off (obviously mentally – and not so much physically) to pull myself out of this horrendous rutt that I have been in since December… YES! Since December!

I was feeling absolutely FANTASTIC at the end of last year – everything was great – I had lost nearly 30kg – I was feeling healthy, fit – I was feeling GREAT… honestly, I can say – I felt the best I have ever felt.

It was so, so quickly squashed by feeling the WORST I have ever felt during and after my unsuccessful IVF cycle at the end of December. I was never prepared for how that would affect me – and how helpless and just plain HURT I would feel.

I have gained a huge amount of weight – I haven’t been on the scales in a couple of weeks… but I KNOW it’s a lot – I am going to guess-timate that I would be around 135kg – when in December, I was right down to 117.9. Such a huge amount of weight to gain in such a relatively short period of time. I have had little-to-no fluid in my band at all… I had to have it all removed for my IVF egg pick-up, and never had the guts to get it all put back in. Oh… I got about 3mL put back in… but that’s really nor here nor there.

I feel like crapola… seriously… just so shit. I had a bit of a scare a few weeks ago – I was getting TERRIBLE stomach pain – really high… and it lasted for about 2 or 3 weeks before it subsided. Went to see the Dr at Dr. Bessell’s rooms… and went in for a Barium Swallow… the Dr. thought it might have been a slip, or erosion – but Barium swallow came back fine. I have been getting weird ‘waves’ of reflux too – few days in a row – then it disappears. Not gall stones – ultrasound came back clear. So not sure… booked in for an endoscopy this month.

SO anyway. I also went to see the psychologist as per Dr. B’s recommendations. And seriously – it may have been the best $170 bucks I have spent in a while. I really feel like coming out of there – a ‘fog’ had been lifted, and I could see where I was going a little more clearly. I am not saying that I am cured of feeling like shit – but I really was able to see what my priorities were – and how I could regain some control over what I do on a daily basis… some of the things we discussed was how I could commit to small things each day…

• walk the dogs DAILY
• rock up to work
• relationship time -having a daily chat with hubby, going on 1 coffee date weekly, going on one date-night weekly
• eating consciously – being mindful about my eating. Am I hungry? Or am I eating to fill an ‘inner-void’
• Interim plan – until I can get to my goal of a baby – what can hubby and I do in the meantime to keep us occupied… holiday? move?
• And… some days – I’ll just need to let it flow…

It all seems a little deep when I type it out like that… and I am not normally someone who would up-and-go to see a psychologist – but this really helped.

We also talked about Weight. She is the psychologist at Dr Bessell’s office – and I really imagined going into it that I was going to be told that I need to focus on the weight loss, yadda, yadda. But she got me. She totally did. She said that every bit of me… biologically, mentally – is SCREAMING out to be a mother – and essentially – this goal supersedes any other goal I have. She said she would recommend that I focus more-so on ‘weight management’ than to constantly beat myself up over it.

I wouldn’t want to fall pregnant at this weight – the thought of growing a human baby inside of me when my body is already struggling with it’s 60+kg over-weightness scares the shit out of me. Something has got to give… I cant have that without THIS and I can’t have this without THAT.

I have decided to give Michelle Bridges’ 12WBT (12 Week Body Transformation) a go… You sign up online and there are a whole heap of pre-season challenges to pass.. then the 12WBT begins – 12 solid weeks of eating well… excersizing well… and getting your frame-of-mind right.

I really hope that this is what I need to be able to get myself back on the bandwagon. Because right now – feels like the bandwagon has left me behind.

Oh. And maybe some fill?

L x