Ok – where to start? How about an update on the last post? Ha! 12WBT was an epic fail… but that shouldn’t surprise me… I have literally NO self discipline.
At the moment I weigh 132.3kg – not much less than my surgery day! In fact, this time last year I weighed a whole 10kg less. Sometimes I wonder whether I am one of the people that has failed with the lapband – that person who I was scared of being before having the surgery…
I really feel that this whole ‘I must be a mother NOW’ thing has been the key to my weight loss being so UNsuccessful. It consumes my life in the most unhealthiest of ways… both physically and emotionally. I have read in so many books and articles that infertility really puts you in this ‘in-limbo state of grief’ – and I totally – TOTALLY get that. It controls my life… I feel like I can do nothing, plan nothing because I don’t know what the outcome of next month will be.
So many times I have been brave enough to turn around and make the decision that “Ok, I am now going to focus on ME, and being healthy – and I will not go through another IVF cycle until I reach XX weight…” – but it REALLY does not work like that! Not at all – because it only takes one teeny-tiny thing to send me over the edge… this time around – it was father’s day. Then it would be my friends son’s first birthday… then it would be Christmas… then it would be my birthday… and then the ad-hoc ones – like a friend or relative announcing their “surprise pregnancy”
There’s always so many things things that throw me over the edge – and I undo all the hard work and effort that I have out into my weight loss journey. I can’t find that healthy balance – and I don’t know if I will ever get there. My life is totally mapped by “Next year – we’ll have a baby to bring to xx” – and then of course, yet another ‘xx’ comes around – and there is still no baby. and then on the total flipside – the other thing that controls my life maps my life too… “By xx next year, I will be fit, healthy!” – and xx comes around… and I am 10kg heavier.
sigh.
I am going through a second round of IVF at the end of this month – just waiting for AF to come – so that hubby can start giving me my jabs. Bring on those needles i say! and the scans, and the bloods and the mood-swings… ugh.
Reading over this. I think I need a shrink – not another IVF cycle 😉
L x
fatgirlslim's blog 
Hope my pregnancy hasn’t sent you over the edge! You need to take control! Can’t be easy with IVF hormones screeching through your body though. Have you been back to your lapband doctor to discuss? Maybe see a nutritionist? The 12WBT sounds like a good program – good luck with it!
Em 🙂
Just read back on your last half a dozen posts. So sorry that you’ve been going through such a shithouse time of it. Take care of yourself – No 1 priority!
Em
Thanks Em 🙂
xx